WARNING: This post contains a high level of sarcasm, thinly veiled (or not at all) discontent, and swear words. Even my patience wears thin. While I realize that I am very fortunate, and remain a grateful patient… Well, it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t give you guys the low down of the most recent hospital shenanigans. Good god it sucked. I high-tailed it out of there as soon as I could. Read at your own risk. Or don’t. Whatever. It’s cool.
Musings from the Neuro Floor…
- Let’s play “How many times do we have to stick Sara with the 18 gauge needle before we can start an IV?” Go! *face palm*
- That’s right, genius. I’m still awake. Better ratchet up that anesthesia cocktail, it takes a lot to put this old girl down. (Sucka.)
- I heart TED stockings. I heart them so very much.
- Immediately after recovery, I am wheeled to my room. Our room. Me and my roommate. My “roomie”. I have a roommate. I was not aware that I would have to share a room, or for-the-love-of-jebus, a toilet, in a hospital, can this even be legal anymore?¹ *sobs* She likes to watch crap daytime TV while talking on the phone. She also has a husband. He likes to smile and wave at me. All I have is the mother of all headaches. I request to be moved to the nearest supply closet.
- I, for one, really enjoy the 4:00 am blood draws. I like to pretend it’s my pre-dawn acupuncture. Really, don’t just draw the blood and leave. Flip on the lights! Stay! Tell me about some random shit your husband did at the bar and how you are raising your grandkid. It’s all really interesting and awesome. And also, I like your homemade tattoos between your thumb and forefinger. Looking good. Looking real, real good. *finger guns*
- Ladies, nurses, CNA’s, have you ever had a spinal headache? These are hospital beds, not bumper cars, please make a note of it.
- Dear Roommate-That-I-Hate-For-No-Reason-Other-Than-You-Happen-To-Be-There, I am happy that you are ambulatory. Yes, I see you have a walker there. If you bang it into my bed one more time, I will have someone hide it…very very far away from this room.
- O HAI morphine! (We bring you Loooooooooove.)
- Did I mention that I had a roommate?
- It’s really no problem, I carry large bags of my own urine with me on a regular basis.
- Let’s try repetition-for-learning. Repeat after me: “I will not forget Mrs. Santiago’s morning meds. I will not forget Mrs. Santiago’s morning meds. I will not…”
- Go ahead, trip on that foley catheter one more time, just one…more…fucking…time.
- No, no, it’s fiiiiiiine, just the other day I was saying that I should really look into one of those bladder infections. I mean, who really secures foley catheters properly these days anyway? Pfft!
- There is a difference between refusing to eat and refusing to eat THAT shit.
- NOBODY EVER SAID A GOTDAMN THING ABOUT A ROOMMATE. (Fucking shoot me.)
- Thank you, transport person, for comparing the pain from your liposuction two weeks ago to my recent craniotomy-cerebral tonsillectomy-laminectomy-duraplasty and subsequent laminectomy (that’s right, another one) and spinal cord detethering procedures. Yes, yes, your boobs and belly look great. Oh and hey, that was awesome, in the elevator, when you started digging through my hair with your press-ons, asking what all the red stuff was and “what the hell did they do?” to me. You are one terrific asshole, and I will miss you most of all.
Later Gators.
.
.
.
Footnotes:
¹Predictably, someone is going to get all riled up because I’m bitching about sharing a toilet when others “don’t have access to healthcare” at the level that I do. Listen up, Jack, because I’m going to share something with you. I have paid a shit-ton of money this year in medical expenses. We have had to prioritize our household expenses and give up certain things so that we could afford this. Based on what I have already shelled out, not only should I get my own fucking toilet, but it should be made of gold, feel like silk, and wipe my ass for me when I’m done.
31 comments
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September 9, 2010 at 10:14 am
Teresalynn
I can’t help but laugh as you are able to find light in the worst of things. I’m glad you’re home and using your own toilet.
September 9, 2010 at 10:22 am
Lana
I love you Sara. You are one of the funniest people I have ever known.
You also inspire the hell out of me.
I wish everyone could look at their situations with humor….because really, you can’t change what happened, only your opinion of it.
*Light Tackle Hug*
September 9, 2010 at 10:23 am
Cuqui
OMG! Have I told you how much I love you? Preach, woman, PREACH!! At every one of my mother’s hospital stays, I always reminded the hospital staff that WE aren’t here every day. Could you show a little compassion? Attempt to bring your A-game? We’ve done our research. Could you, especially since it’s like, your living? And yeah, it’s only my mother’s life — I can get another one if you screw up, right? Bastards! I know we’re all human, but most of the time, I’m asking for common courtesy. It’s not hard, people… not hard at all.
September 9, 2010 at 10:24 am
krittabug
You. Are. Amazeballs. I love you. Glad you are well!
September 9, 2010 at 10:26 am
MelanieO
You are right, you should not have to share a room … it’s 2010, sheesh! My dad didn’t have to share a room ever before or after his liver/kidney transplant. You have every right to be mad. About that and the hospital staff. That’s horrible.
September 9, 2010 at 10:28 am
@Spammywi
Sara, I am sorry that you have had to endure your surgeries. Your blogging about your experience has been a great and sometime sad read. I’m happy to hear that you are on the mend and am hopeful that this will be your last. You have been an inspiration.
September 9, 2010 at 10:42 am
Sarah
If anyone makes any kind of snide remark about people not having healthcare and you have to share a toilet, I will, personally, hunt them down and shoot them in the face. Because that is how much I love you. And know you deserve the best. And know you have put up with a lot of crap this year. Did I mention I love you a shit ton and you amaze me? Because it’s all true. Welcome back, ma’am. *kisses* :_
September 9, 2010 at 10:45 am
Cheryl
Make ABSOLUTELY SURE that you let the hospital know about all of that, much of which is completely uncalled for. (Can you say “patient satisfaction survey?”) Having worked in lots of different hospitals for 25+ years, I know they are ALL trying to keep their patients happy and constantly doing all kinds of “improvement efforts.” Hospitals these days spend gobs of money on marketing campaigns to attract/retain patients and I for one think that is garbage and they should put more of it into patient care. Patients are going to go to the hospital that their physician tells them to go to. So, when you get that Patient Satisfaction Survey to complete, don’t hold back. If we are paying for the best health care in the world, we sure as heck better receive it when we need it. That extends all the way from the physician/surgeon to nursing and all the way down the line to the person who delivers your food or empties the wastebaskets.
September 9, 2010 at 11:20 am
Sara
I love all you crazies right back! And Cheryl, you are awesome, and I will fill out my patient survey with the same restraint and tact I showed writing this post. 😀
Also, in case you guys notice that I “like” my own posts. It’s just because that triggers it to re-post to my Tumblr account. It’s totally lame. And, well. So what. I can be lame if I want. ;P
September 9, 2010 at 12:42 pm
mketoolshed
You are the ONLY person who could make such an experience in the hospital humorous 🙂 Keep doing what you do!
<3, Alicia (mkenerd)
September 9, 2010 at 1:16 pm
coachadwi
While the reason for being in the hospital was not funny, your incredible description of it is!
September 9, 2010 at 1:23 pm
Mare
When you take Cheryl’s advice, attach a copy of your blog. Then you can address each issue and really show the bastards you’ve put it out there.
I can’t believe you had a roommate… what a totally crappy week.
On the bright side, I love you and am so very glad you are home with your own shared toilet and mini-nurses and iCarly.
September 9, 2010 at 6:06 pm
Stu Nami
seriously, you should have opened a bag of urine and thrown it at the roommate. #justsayin
September 9, 2010 at 7:16 pm
Shannon
You deserve the very best! In addition to “made of gold, feel like silk, and wipe my ass” the toilet should also include a massage. If anyone would like to chip in for Sara… http://www.totousa.com/Washlet/WashletS400.aspx
Smooches!
September 9, 2010 at 7:41 pm
Mkecupcakequeen
Sara, you are an amazing woman. God Bless you and all of that spectacular snark!!!
September 9, 2010 at 9:27 pm
Joe R.
I can only assume that once Sara 3.0 is fully online, the appropriate smackdown protocols for the offending parties will be routed via Skynet to your many field operatives.
Seriously though, hope the recovery is going well!
September 9, 2010 at 9:48 pm
Kay
Hospitals suck. Now they’ll just eff up your bills for the next five+ years. But they do have bendy straws which are always cool.
September 10, 2010 at 7:26 am
Bill
I think you should just clip the blog entry and attach it to the patient survey and save yourself the extended aggrivation…and, i agree….a gold, silky feeling toilet would be a nice add-on for the price of admission. Glad you’re home and getting better!
September 10, 2010 at 9:04 am
Nandoism
You rock and are my new HERO!
September 10, 2010 at 9:30 am
Al Krueger
I feel kind of bad enjoying this blog post, but I do. Sorry to hear about your misadventures on neuro. I hurt my back a couple years ago and I had my own room. It was kind of cool. But, all of the other stuff happened anyway (bumper car bed, lots of tries on the IVs and other fun stuff)…minus the bladder infection, but man caths suck a lot when they mess it up three times.
September 11, 2010 at 9:16 am
Joe Sorge
Um, have ya met Sarah?
Love this.
Thank you Sarah, so glad you are you.
September 11, 2010 at 9:18 am
Joe Sorge
Sara, curious if you’ll notice my own little mind game I’ve decided to play.
September 26, 2010 at 9:39 am
@tapps
where’s the “like” or “star” button? #theinternetsishard
October 7, 2010 at 11:12 pm
Your BFF
Anyone makes a comment about your healthcare, I’ll personally give them papercuts with each of your one million EOBs and pour vinegar on them.
Love you forever.
Your BFF
November 5, 2010 at 10:01 am
kborde
Yes, I almost peed. You are the best!
November 5, 2010 at 1:30 pm
Sara
Kelly,
Your commented made LOL this morning. 🙂 ❤
December 24, 2010 at 2:21 pm
ultimatestamina
Sara… I can relate with some of that BUT most of all thanks for the sarcasm
May 15, 2011 at 11:33 am
Jo
Lady, you’re really good. I mean it.
May 20, 2011 at 10:57 am
Sara
Wow. Thanks. That’s an entirely kick-ass thing to say.
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